1. After months of heated negotiations and failed attempts to achieve any kind of consensus, President Obama turned 50 years old Thursday, drawing strong criticism from Republicans in Congress. “With the host of problems this country is currently facing, the fact that our president is devoting time to the human process of aging is an affront to Americans everywhere,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who advocated a provision to keep Obama 49 at least through the fall of 2013. “To move forward unilaterally and simply begin the next year of his life without bipartisan support—is that any way to lead a country?” According to White House officials, Obama attempted to work with Republicans right up until the Aug. 4 deadline, but was ultimately left with no choice except to turn a year older.

     
  2. "And the most terrifying part of all is that he’s obviously intelligent enough to know he’s a hateful, bigoted person, which means he must actually be okay with that fact.”

    Being highly educated or very intelligent does not guarantee that one is actually enlightened.

     
  3. Favorite Abortionplex Yelp reviews

    Rory D.

    It’s got my favorite food court. Much better than Goldblum’s House of Foreskin circumcision clinic.

    Vivian M.

    This place sucks! They don’t even have internet, so I can’t tweet a blow-by-blow of my abortion(s) to all my followers. They did give me a lucky fetus’ foot on a keychain, though. It’s a real conversation piece.

    Abby S.

    I’m surprised the other reviews speak so highly of the Abortionplex. Their return policy is horrid. My rent-a-doc did a bum job and I asked for my baby back, but they refused! Also, the magazines in the waiting room were all sticky (maybe from the baby daddies?). Grody! I’m giving them three stars because they got the job done, but next time I’ll take my business to the Galleriabortion. Higher class.

    CJ L.

    The yogurt they serve actually has fat in it. False advertising.

     
  4. thecranium:fridaphile:maritsa:pantsless:

    Just effing glorious. Link in title.

     I’m gasping for air, these reviews are hilarious.

    High fiving every reviewer. 

    oh mah gah.

    Crying with laughter:

    And I hear they plan to offer a special of four abortions for the price of one when February 29th comes around, so you can get rid of all those weirdo Leap Year babies. I’m TOTALLY taking advantage of that one of a kind deal in 2012 - suck it, Groupon! Hells yeah, groubortion!

     
  5. New favorite Tumblr blog!

    New favorite Tumblr blog!

     
  6. Best reactions to The Onion’s ‘abortionplex’ story

    "Where on earth did they get the money to fund this slaughter machine? I hope it wasn’t stolen from me by our well paid and highly educated politicians agin.”

    "America is going to hell! MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    "This is unbelievable. Can this be real? Do Americans have any decency or dignity left? I pray this will end like the Titanic, Swiftly and absolutely!”

    **Quotes include original spelling, grammatical, and logical errors.**

     
  7. motherjones:

    Thanks for the scary tip, elledeau.

    Hahahahaha.

    "Even satire site The Onion can see that Planned Parenthood is in the business of killing and tries to put a tongue-in-cheek spin on it."

    If it’s not a joke: holy shit, people are stupid.

     
  8. missworded:

littlehonda:

mattpayton:

Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups - The Onion
Wow. I think this one belongs in the Onion hall of fame. 
I mean stuff like this is pure gold: 

Experts confirmed the mass extinction of grown-ups has coincided with the rapid expansion of other demographic groups, including people who seek medication for every problem they encounter, 33-year-olds who participate in organized kickball leagues, personal injury litigants, and parents who try to become friends with their own children.


Today, only one in three million citizens can provide thoughtful  advice to a fellow human being instead of immediately shifting the topic  to their own personal issues or what they had for lunch.

If there are no grown-ups, who will provide me with the medication I need for every problem I encounter?

"Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously  believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the  decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately,  we’ve only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this  group’s unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead  of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."
Instant classic.

    missworded:

    littlehonda:

    mattpayton:

    Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups - The Onion

    Wow. I think this one belongs in the Onion hall of fame. 

    I mean stuff like this is pure gold: 

    Experts confirmed the mass extinction of grown-ups has coincided with the rapid expansion of other demographic groups, including people who seek medication for every problem they encounter, 33-year-olds who participate in organized kickball leagues, personal injury litigants, and parents who try to become friends with their own children.

    Today, only one in three million citizens can provide thoughtful advice to a fellow human being instead of immediately shifting the topic to their own personal issues or what they had for lunch.

    If there are no grown-ups, who will provide me with the medication I need for every problem I encounter?

    "Our grown-ups are disappearing at a much faster rate than we previously believed," said Census Bureau chief Robert M. Groves, who believes the decline in responsible adults may now be irreversible. "Unfortunately, we’ve only recently noticed this terrible trend, perhaps because of this group’s unusual capacity to endure hardships with quiet dignity instead of whining loudly to draw attention to themselves."

    Instant classic.

     
  9.  
  10. Lately I feel like somebody made a big mess and I’ve got my mop and I’m mopping the floor and the folks who made the mess are there (saying) ‘You’re not mopping fast enough. You’re not mopping the right way. It’s a socialist mop.’
    — 

    Barack Obama

    (sometimes this just needs to be posted).

    (via pacificoast) (via unclegreenmush) (via yellowcars) (via narrowbridge) (via nicoleprima) (via littlefro) (via thegoldsnitch) (via oathkeepers) (via qichi) (via bowiesnippleantennae) (via babiesinacage) (via shehasnoears) (via fish-and-rice) (via cameralightsaction) (via hostilexhippie) (via withabitoffriction)

    (via vaginaorchard)

    (via driftingthroughmyopenmind)

    (via allweareisstardust)

    OMG. BARACK. GIMME A HUG BABY.

    (via theoceanandthesky)

    THE SOCIALIST MOP 

    (via the-madame-hatter)

    That’s it. I’m going as the Socialist Mop next halloweed

    (via nola-darling)

    (via victorytasteslike)

    Love this.

    And also would love to get a socialist mop.  That sounds like the best.

    (via mmontanez6) (via thetemerity)

    (via lipstick-feminists)

    (via lifeoccupado)

    Someone needs to show Barack Obama this piece from The Onion:

    Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job

    November 5, 2008 | ISSUE 44•45

    WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation’s broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, “It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can’t catch a break.”

     
  11. Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress.

    Known among Beltway insiders for his ability to sway public policy on behalf of massive corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Monsanto, and AT&T, Weldon, 53, is expected to use his vast network of political connections to give his new client a voice in the legislative process.

    Weldon is reportedly charging the American people $795 an hour.

    "Unlike R.J. Reynolds, Pfizer, or Bank of America, the U.S. populace lacks the access to public officials required to further its legislative goals," a statement from the nation read in part. "Jack Weldon gives us that access."

    "His daily presence in the Capitol will ensure the American people finally get a seat at the table," the statement continued. "And it will allow him to advance our message that everyone, including Americans, deserves to be represented in Washington."